I was reading this post today after a bad day of eating and drinking. I'm pretty depressed right now, thinking I haven't really gotten anywhere since then. I'm probably 10 pounds heavier than I was then. I have had had so many 'start days', when I would start a new plan or diet. Intuitive Eating didn't last too long. Well it did, but I wasn't getting anywhere or losing any weight so I guess I quit. I tried ultra low-carb for the last two weeks. I really only succeeded with one week and then this past week was a bomb. I guess it is time to face facts.
I like to drink beer, too much. I like the buzz, but it makes me bloated and I don't make good choices as far as what to eat. If I drink too much one day, I'm craving carbs and sugar the next. So I could go a week and do really well with eating and exercise, but then on the weekend drink too much and as a result the whole weekend is a bomb. Who wants to exercise with a hangover?! So yeah, no brainer. That needs to stop.
I can't do a 'diet'. When I lost weight the first time, I did it by counting calories/tracking what I ate, and exercise. And I didn't drink. I just did what I needed to do. I ate what I wanted but changed the things I ate, the way I cooked, and how much I ate. But I think that I forget that it didn't start out perfectly. I remember tracking Wendy's chicken sandwiches on my list. And I didn't start out running half marathons. I began with Denise Austin exercise videos. By the way, she is nuts! I couldn't do the video like she did, for sure. But I did it. I put M to bed and then worked out, probably only a few times a week. I don't think I was obsessing about anything, just trying to change. Now it seems like I am consumed by the fact that I am overweight. It shouldn't define me, but I feel like I let it do just that.
I'm having a really hard time getting to a place where I feel okay. The weekend binges are part of a pattern that somehow has a payoff, though I'm not sure what that is. I'm still overweight. I feel like crap afterward. It's like running with one foot nailed to the floor. I feel like I will never get anywhere. I don't know what to do, besides recover from my excess and then pull myself up and try again tomorrow. I think I need to look at my life as something I do every day, right now, not as sometime in the future, after I lose the weight. That sounds ridiculous right? I feel like I'm going crazy, I'm crazy, but maybe it is the things I do that are crazy. Not me. I just have to change the things I do.